


First memory

by SharpestRose



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-01
Updated: 2011-07-01
Packaged: 2017-10-20 22:11:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/217604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharpestRose/pseuds/SharpestRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The childhood of one Remus J Lupin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First memory

His first clear memory is one of pain. He screams, too furious to be afraid, and then Mum's there with Dad's hunting rifle and the whole world is blotted out by the blast of noise as it fires.

"Oh, my baby, my baby," Mum mutters between her tears, scooping him into the safety of her arms. "You could have been killed."

"Bad dog," he scowls. "I wanted to play and it was bad, Mummy."

"You shouldn't _ever_ go near a creature like that, you hear? They're..." her voice trails into whisper and silence as her fingers touch the wet blood seeping through the cotton of his shirt. "No. Oh, God, no."

"Silvia?" Dad calls, horrified, running through the back door onto the crunch-crunch of orange leaves carpeting the back garden. "I heard the gun, what's -"

"Henry." Mum sounds like she's lost in the dark, and it colours this first memory with dread. Mums do not, in the proper way of the world, become lost. They do the finding. "Henry, look."

Then Dad looks like he wants to cry, and nothing will ever be as it was ever again.

When Remus is six, almost two years later, Mum's lap is becoming progressively more difficult to sit on and Dad keeps asking him how he feels about sharing his bedroom. Then one day Dad stops asking and Remus worries about whether something's wrong. Aunty Laura comes by for tea a week later and brings Ellie. Ellie's five and has very pretty blue eyes and very very black hair, and Remus wants to show her his new jigsaw puzzle.

Ellie loves it, because the picture moves when it's all stuck together. Remus sometimes forgets that Ellie and Aunty Laura are Muggles, and aren't used to proper toys.

"... haven't been able to stay with him, because of the baby... Henry's right... he's so strong now... oh, Laura, I don't want to be afraid of my little boy..."

Remus pretends he can't hear. Mum and Dad have been having a lot of conversations like this in the past few days, Remus has almost learnt the script by heart.

"Will I catch it?" Ellie asks him in a whisper. "Playing with you?"

"Not just playing," promises Remus. "But we can stop if you're scared."

"No," Ellie says with a grin. "I'm not scared of you, ever."

Dad comes in and smiles at them, then crouches down and puts on his serious face.

"Boyo, how do you feel about staying with your Aunty for a while, just while Mum's waiting for the bub?"

Remus nods, knowing that to do otherwise would just cause fuss with the same end result.

He's surprised to discover how much happier he is living in his Aunty and Uncle's small apartment than he was in the rambling farmhouse where he was born. His Aunty Laura and Uncle Clifford aren't nearly so soft and huggable as Mum and Dad, but they don't wring their hands and look worried all the time, either. Rather, they're cheerful and sensible, and scold him if he tears his good clothes at the full moon.

As for _that_ , well, it's no better or worse than it ever was at home. His Aunt and Uncle soundproof their garage and put a better lock on the door, and Uncle Clifford leaves the car at work once a month. Mum never made his favourite dinners on the night afterwards like Aunty Laura does.

Remus hopes, he realises guiltily, that he never goes home. And, indeed, he rarely has to. His little brother is less little at every holiday, toddling and then walking and then running. Jacob Lupin is the son his parents deserve, and Remus doesn't even mind very much.

Not the Mum and Dad aren't genuinely glad to have him home or anything, it's just... difficult.

And the reason they all keep saying he stays in town for _is_ true, after all. The schools are better. When Remus grows up, he hopes he'll be a teacher. He's rather good at geometry.

He's ten when he and Ellie are back in his old room, now Jacob's domain but temporarily taken over. They're pretending, again, that they can't hear their mothers talking downstairs.

"But what about when Jacob's older, Silvia? It'll seem pretty weird to Remus if one son goes to town for school and one stays at home."

"Jacob will be going away to school as well, eventually. Henry and I are almost sure of it, there was an incident with... well, anyway, he will be. Do you remember when I was eleven, Laura, and I went to Hogwarts?"

Ellie pretends to be reading a book while Remus wipes his eyes.

"Oh, but that's perfect! You should see the things Remus can do, he's so _clever_ -"

"No, you didn't hear what I was saying." Mum's voice is gentle, sad. Ellie gives up pretending and puts her arm around Remus. "Jacob will be going to Hogwarts. We've put Remus' name down at some very good schools, though, he'll get the best education money can buy..."

"You mean Remus won't... just because... you can't be serious," Aunty Laura splutters, outraged. "I'll complain to... to someone! It's discrimination, there are laws about that sort of thing. He's such an _ordinary_ child, so easygoing, I completely forget that he's a werewolf."

Mum sucks a hiss of breath in. Remus knows she hates people using that word. He's never been sure why, exactly. Not-saying it doesn't make it less true.

"I'm _glad_ you're not going away to wizard school," Ellie whispers fiercely. "I'd miss you."

Remus nods mutely, scuffing his heel against a stray jigsaw piece on the floor.

Aunty Laura makes lists and talks to all sorts of liaison officers, because she's never learnt how to give up. It annoys her, this process of pleading, and Remus knows it's his fault. He should have hidden his dreams better for her sake.

"No, no, no," she says when he mentions this. Even though he's really much too big for it, Remus can't help the twinge of a wish that she would pull him onto her lap at such times. But that's never been Aunty Laura's way, and he has nearly forgotten what a lap feels like anyway.

"You should never have to hide _anything_ ," she tells him. "And when you _do_ hide things, do it for your own reasons. It isn't your job to protect other people."

Remus understands her point, but the born teacher in him knows it's a little more complicated than that.

For all their brittle optimism, everyone is genuinely surprised and pleased when an owl flaps through the open kitchen window on Remus' eleventh birthday. Ellie cheers, which Remus thinks is particularly nice since she'll miss him and everything. His Aunt and Uncle are beaming with pride, and he fears he may be blushing.

Aunty Laura wants to call Mum and Dad and tell them the good news, but Remus stops her for the moment. It will only make them worry, after all, and despite his Aunt's advice Remus knows it's up to him to protect them.

Then it's one revelation atop another, a first trip to Diagon Alley and then Platform 9 3/4, which makes Ellie nervous but she hides this as well as she can, and the long exhausting journey pulling Remus away from the only people who have ever really wanted him.

He's beginning to think that this whole thing isn't the good idea he once considered it.

Then things are moving quickly again, and there's no time for doubts. Across a lake, into a huge dining hall, ushered onto a chair and a hat plonked down over his eyes.

"You children do make me feel old sometimes, seems only yesterday I was considering your mother for placement. Now, as for you... hmm... yes, I think it's safe to say GRYFFINDOR!"

Too dazed to care about which house he'd been sorted into one way or the other, Remus sits down at the long table, trying not to feel overwhelmed.

The student beside him gives a small worried noise, pulling Remus out of his dazzlement. It's always easier to deal with things if you're helping someone else.

"Hullo, I'm Remus Lupin," he says.

"I'm not supposed to be here!" the other boys blurts. "Everyone in my family's a Slytherin!"

Remus blinks. "Yeah, my Mum was a Hufflepuff. I guess the hat doesn't care about stuff like that. Look, don't fret about it, I'm sure your parents will understand..."

"No, they won't." The boy sounds utterly mournful. "They'll think I'm joking, probably, and then they'll find out it's true and go spare at me." He sighs. "Anyway, I'm here now, I suppose. My name's Sirius."

"Really, don't worry about your parents, Mums and Dads are never properly happy about anything anyway. I don't know about you, but I'm starved. Let's tuck in."

The boy, Sirius, grins. "Sounds all right to me."

Perhaps it's because Sirius sort of reminds him of Ellie, dark hair and bravado and friendliness, but whatever the reason Remus is glad to have him nearby as they're led to their dormitory. Hogwarts is so big it's unfathomable to think that he might one day know his way around.

There are two other boys sharing the room with Remus and Sirius. Remus has never made friends easily, but they're all on even footing here since they're all new and alone, so he's brave enough to offer a smile at them both.

"I'm Remus, this is Sirius."

"I'm James," a skinny boy with an improperly-buttoned shirt replies, stepping forward for a handshake. He somehow manages to trip over his own feet, despite the absence of stray shoelaces or uneven flooring, and knocks Remus backwards. His fall is broken by his trunk, and by Sirius, who is sitting on his trunk. Sirius isn't as soft as Ellie, who is the only contact Remus can remember for comparison, but still softer than landing on the floor.

"Sorry!" James says cheerfully. "I'm notoriously clumsy, but I suppose you've guessed that now."

"Reckon you might need glasses, mate," Sirius grumbles. James shrugs.

"Yeah, probably, never looked into it. This is Peter." He pushes the other boy forward. Remus, still perched on Sirius' lap, offers another welcoming smile.

"Bags that bed," Sirius says, gesturing to the one in the right hand corner. "Ooof, get _off_ Remus, you're squashing me. I get enough of that at home with my little brother."

Obliging, Remus stands up. "I've got a brother, too. He's..." He tries to remember specific things about Jacob. "... sticky. And he likes things that explode and make noise."

Sirius chuckles. "Yeah, sounds like mine. Either of you two have brothers?"

James and Peter shake their heads. "I've got a sister," Peter says after a moment, courageous enough to attempt conversation. "She's in fifth year."

"And here I thought I'd escape dealing with little brothers. Instead I get stuck with someone else's," Sirius says in a mock-melancholy voice. Peter looks like he can't decide if it's a joke or not. "Ah, don't look so worried, I'm only joking."

Peter relaxes in relief, smiling. "Oh... good." The words are separated by a wide yawn.

"I think it's time we all got some sleep," James points out, kicking his shoes off and leaving them haphazard in the middle of the room. "Want to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for our first day tomorrow, after all."

Remus stays awake long after the others have fallen asleep, writing a letter to Ellie about all the new things he has seen. It was strange, being able to hear other people breathing when he was in bed - he'd never shared a room before. He'd never been afraid of new things, though.

In later years, his first clear memory of his time at school is always that of warm blankets and somebody talking in their sleep, and knowing that his adventures had just started.


End file.
